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What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me."
"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?
I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives forty miles away.
Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.
What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.
"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?" The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."
How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.
If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.
Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."
Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells!
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off!
What do you do when your cat's dead? Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.
How is life like toilet paper? You're either on a roll or taking s*** from someone.
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.
What is Moby Dick's dad's name? Papa Boner.
What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor!
What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off!
What did the leper say to the sex worker? Keep the tip.
What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? A beaver dam!
What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
What's long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit The Frog's fingers!
What do you get when you jingle Santa's balls? A white Christmas!
Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in your genes!
A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."
What did one butt cheek say to the other? Together, we can stop this crap.
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato? A dictator!
How is sex like a game of bridge? If you have a great hand, you don't need a partner.
My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.
What do you call an expert fisherman? A Master Baiter.
How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.
"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist. He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."
Why did the squirrel swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry.
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.
Why can't you hear rabbits making love? Because they have cotton balls.
If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?
What comes after 69? Mouthwash.
What does Pinocchio's lover say to him? "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
Dear NASA: Your mom thought I was big enough.–Pluto
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."
What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.
How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died!
What's the difference between hungry and horny? Where you stick the cucumber.
Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.
What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum!
What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out."
What are the three shortest words in the English language? "Is it in?"
How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist.
What's the difference between your penis and a bonus check? Someone's always willing to blow your bonus.
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste!
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We're closed.
A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts."
What's the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They're not so thick and insensitive anymore.
What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball!
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask directions.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? "Thanks for coming!"
What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth? A glad-he-ate-her.
What's long and hard and full of semen? A submarine!
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.
"What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-David, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
What do you call it when every one of your friends makes too many dumb COVID jokes? A pundemic.
I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never look at me twice.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. For instance, when you push them down the stairs.
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
I'll never forget my granddad's last words to me just before he died: "Are you still holding the ladder?"
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly a clown into the tiny car.
"I work with animals," the guy says to his date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher," he says.
Why was the leper hockey game canceled? There was a face off in the corner.
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver!
"Just say NO to drugs!" Well, If I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.
I don't have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.
It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words "antidote" and "anecdote," one of my good friends would still be alive.
What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph? Its butt.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That's the punch line.
I have a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.
I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99 percent of you will never get it.
My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste."
I heard Sony's coming out with a new console during the pandemic. It's called the Plaguestation 5.
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love." I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."
What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can't be found.
A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have 10 left." The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."
I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.
I started crying when Dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog.
My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!" They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?" "Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"
My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die. "Usually an overdose, son," I told him.
Do you know the phrase "One man's trash is another man's treasure"? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children.
What's the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn't beat cancer.
My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It's a good thing he drives a Civic.
"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?" the patient asked. "To the morgue," the doctor replied. "What?" The patient panicked. "But I'm not dead yet!" "And we're not there yet," the doctor said.
If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you're a total hero. But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling. Sheesh!
The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.
A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? "Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."
Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions.
What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.
A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."
I like to spend my weekends playing chess with old men in the park. It's not easy. You try finding 32 old guys.
You're not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.
My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.
Did you hear about Pillsbury Doughboy? He died of a yeast infection.
"Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!"
"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient. "Give me the good news first," the patient said. "Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live." "That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "I've been trying to reach you for two days."
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."
My favorite novel is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken. "Nothing special," he explained. "We just tell them they're going to die."
A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."
My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don't even care.
I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off? He's all right now!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records, but then the librarian told me to take it out.
Having sex in an elevator is wrong. On so many levels
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.
What do you call a guy who cries when he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What did the banana say to the vibrator? "Why are you shaking? She's going to eat me!"
What's brown and really bad for your dental health? A baseball bat.
What kind of bees make milk? Boo-bees.
I'll never forget my grandma's last words: "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"
How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree? Wave.
Why did the snowman suddenly smile? He could see the snowblower coming.
What's a 6.9? Another great thing screwed up by a period.
What did the elephant ask the naked man? "How do you breathe out of that thing?"
What do you call a nanny with breast implants? A faux-pair.
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? It was a grave mistake.
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.
My dad is exactly like Santa. I hear so many good things about him, but he only visits our home once a year, and I never even see him.
Sex is like a burrito, don't unwrap or that baby's in your lap.
Did you hear about the man who ran in front of a bus? He got tired.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun. But careless Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.
What do you do if your wife starts smoking? Slow down and use some lubricant.
Do you want to hear a joke about my vagina? Never mind, you'll never get it.
Friends are like trees, they fall over if you hit them with an ax.
When I die, I want to be cremated. It's my last chance to have a smokin' hot body.
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, "I don't think they have what you're looking for, sir."
How do you find a blind man at a nude beach? It isn't hard.
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day, but push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
If you're walking through the forest and stumble across a dead body, what's the first thing you should do? Check your map, because you're obviously going in circles.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.
What does a vampire do with boiling water and a tampon? Make tea.
What does a horny frog say? "Rub it."
Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That's the punch line.
How does a man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves. Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it's $1.50. You know why?
Inflation.
Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover? Cause you shouldn't press your luck.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
My wife said I was immature. So I told her to get out of my fort.
I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.
What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
A guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future. The doctor asks him, "How long have you suffered from that condition?" The guy tells him, "Since next Monday."
What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!
What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!
Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe!
What happens when you go to the bathroom in France? European.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire!
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?  They say he made a mint!
Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.
A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!
Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!
What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory!
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it!
Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it!
I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary. I told him, "Mark, my words!"
How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.
I'm starting a new dating service in Prague. It's called Czech-Mate.
I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up.
Good thymes.
Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?
"Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.
Why do Dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one.
What's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty.
Why couldn't the astronaut land on the moon? Because it was full.
Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to? Plymouth rock.
What do you call a shoe made of a banana? A slipper!
What is the tallest building in the world? The library—it's got the most stories.
What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.
I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it!
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!
Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with!
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there!
What's ET short for? Because he's only got tiny legs!
What's brown and sticky? A stick!
Can February march? No, but April may!
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put some boogie in it!
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands!
What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!
What do Santa's elves listen to ask they work? Wrap music!
Did you hear about the bacon cheeseburger who couldn't stop telling jokes? It was on a roll.
Student: "Can I go to the bathroom?"
Teacher: "It's 'may.'"
Student: "No, it's January."
Why was the coach yelling at a vending machine? He wanted his quarter back.
Why do vampires seem sick? They're always coffin.
What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool? Rock pay-for scissors.
I just watched all the Harry Potter movies back to back with a friend. It maybe wasn't the best idea, because it meant I couldn't see the TV.
If towels could tell jokes, I think they'd have a very dry sense of humor.
I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!
The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.
I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.
I wish COVID-19 had started in Las Vegas. Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery? Because it didn't habanero.
Why did the stadium get so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.
My dog used to chase people on a scooter a lot. It got so bad we had to take his scooter away.
Within minutes, the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.
Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!
I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole destroying!
My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!
I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!
Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
I thought about going on an all-almond diet… But that's just nuts!
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?"And I told him, "No it doesn't!"
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids… I'm a faux pa!
So a vowel saves another vowel's life. The other vowel says, "Aye E! I owe you!"
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They're his watch dogs!
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?
I would avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!
Five out of four people admit they're bad with fractions!
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad!
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way!
When the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag, I always tell him, "No, I'd rather drink it out of the carton!"
The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this!
I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!
I invented a new word today: plagiarism!
What do you call a donkey with only three legs? A wonkey!
After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!
This morning, Siri said, "Don't call me Shirley." I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode!
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"
I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work!
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto!
What rhymes with boo and stinks? You!
I accidentally dropped my pillow on the floor. I think it has a concushion.
Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said "parking fine."
St. Francis worked at Krispy Kreme. He was a deep friar.
In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.
Some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology. They bug me in ways I can't put into words.
My hotel tried to charge me $10 extra for air conditioning. That wasn't cool.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food here."
What did the ocean say to the beach?' Nothing, it just waved.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.
I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money? It suffered from withdrawals.
I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.
My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.
Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weak days.
If an English teacher is convicted of a crime and doesn't complete the sentence, is that a fragment?
I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns!
Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? Minnesota!
I got a hen to regularly count her own eggs. She's a real mathamachicken!
What did the ranch say when someone opened the refrigerator door? "Close the door, I'm dressing!"
Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They just seem a little shady!
What did the policeman say to his belly button? You're under a vest!
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
I've been bored recently so I've decided to take up fencing. The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.
Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!
I don't really call for funerals that start before noon. I guess I'm just not a mourning person!
If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?
One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears!
I'm addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help!
What does the cell say to his sister when she steps on his toe? "Oh my toe sis!"
I never buy pre-shredded cheese. Because doing it yourself is grate.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let's make this interesting." So we stopped playing chess.
How do you tell the difference between a bull and a milk cow? It is either one or the utter.
I have a great joke about nepotism. But I'll only tell it to my kids.
What do scholars eat when they're hungry? Academia nuts.
What do you call an ant that has been shunned by his community? A socially dissed ant.
A Vicks VapoRub truck overturned on the highway this morning. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.