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<p> <span style="text-decoration: underline;">news</span> :<a href="music.html"> music </a>: <a href="shows.html">shows</a> :<a href="artwork.html"> artwork </a>:<a href="contact.html"> contact </a></p></div>
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<h2>Statements from Geoff</h2><br /><h5 style="font-family: Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;"><big>Regarding From the Depths' European Tour</big></h5><p>F<span class="shows" style="font-family: Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;">or
the last two months, I have been developing a process of accountability
in response to being confronted about having genital herpes and not
disclosing my status to several sexual partners. As part of that
process, i have been working with those directly affected by my
actions, as well as my bandmates, to figure out how this should affect
my participation in the band From the Depths, for which i have been
playing drums.</span></p><p><span class="shows" style="font-family: Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;"></span></p><p><span class="shows" style="font-family: Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;">In
February, our band had a meeting to discuss this, with the added
complexity of having already been planning a European tour for several
months. After several days of discussion, and consulting with some of
the folks directly affected by my nondisclosures about herpes, we
decided to continue with planning the tour, but with a focus on setting
up guidelines for my behavior, figuring out a daily tour routine that
would support me changing my behavior, and figuring out how to
communicate with the european folks who were involved with the tour to
let them know about the situation, articulate why we were making the
choices we were, and give them a chance to have dialogue with us and
make their own decisions about whether or not they supported what we
were doing.</span></p><p><span class="shows" style="font-family: Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;"></span></p><p><span class="shows" style="font-family: Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;">By
the end of our discussions and planning that week in February, I felt
like going on the tour was a good choice, for several reasons. As a
group, my bandmates in From the Depths are people i really trust, both
as friends and as people committed to accountability in our community.
I felt that spending time people i felt such confidence in on a
day-to-day basis, as i would do during the tour, would be the
best situation i could see to really work through my problematic
thoughts and behaviors in a way that coulld create lasting change. I
felt like, after this period of little social interaction and
time processing things in my head, it was important to put myself back
in the types of situations which i associated with my problematic
behavior in the past, but with the safety of the constant companionship
of folks who were committed to ensuring that i made the right choices.
Changing my behavior felt like one of the most important commitments i
had made to the folks i didn't tell about having herpes, and so it felt
like, as long as those folks felt okay about me going on the tour, it
was one of the best ways i saw to make progress towards that commitment.</span></p><p><span class="shows" style="font-family: Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;"></span></p><p><span class="shows" style="font-family: Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;">Since
being confronted about my actions, i've felt like i've disappointed so
many people, and i didn't want to disappoint people further by failing
in my commitments to all the people who had put energy into organizing
shows for our band, the causes we arranged to play benefits for on the
tour, and my bandmates who had invested their own time and effort into
making this happen. In my mind, they were my second priority, only
below the folks i had directly impacted through my herpes status, and i
didn't want to disappoint them any more than i already had.</span></p><p><span class="shows" style="font-family: Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;"></span></p><p><span class="shows" style="font-family: Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;">In
addition, i thought it was important to do things that felt like i
wasn't running away from what i'd done. When i first was confronted
about not telling someone i had herpes, my immediate reaction was to
just want to drop out of everything and put myself in isolation. Since
then, i've tried my best to resist that urge, and i felt like going on
the tour and being upfront about what i'd done, and how i was dealing
with it, was a more challenging choice to make. My thought was
that the tour was a way to confront my actions in a meaningful way,
face-to-face with folks who we share affinity with. And finally, as one
might imagine, this situation has been a difficult one for my mental
health, and playing drums in bands with my friends has been one of the
few things that has gotten me through hard times over the last 15
years; i was hoping it could be a sourch of therapy and strength for me
again, to help me stay positive through the process of confronting my
problems.</span></p><p><span class="shows" style="font-family: Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;"></span></p><p><span class="shows" style="font-family: Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;">While
i felt positive about the decision to go on tour, and felt like the
process to arrive at the decision was a good one, someone else has come
out strongly and publicly against this idea, and is willing to use
their considerable power within this</span></p><p><span class="shows" style="font-family: Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;">community
to urge a boycott so long as i was going on tour. While it has been
difficult to accept that this person doesn't trust the folks i've been
working with through this process, I can see the reasoning behind why
they think it is wrong for me to go on tour, and i don't think any good
can come of having a public conflict over this, involving mainly people
who are not directly connected to my actions or the people they
affected. In the end, i don't feel so confident in my rightness
to justify having a conflict with them about this, and i don't have the
energy to take any more from my responsibility to respond to the wishes
of those directly affected by my actions in the past and work towards
changing my behavior. Over the past two months, there have been
many people who have contacted me both for and against me going on
tour, and while i feel like i listened to everyone's concerns, i
continued to feel confident with the decision i made with my bandmates
as a group acting in good faith. But, in the end, i don't feel so
confident that i am willing to be in direct conflict with other folks
in this community about it. Therefore, i have agreed not to go on the
From the Depths tour.</span></p><p><span class="shows" style="font-family: Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;"></span></p><p><span class="shows" style="font-family: Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;">As
of this moment, it looks like a friend of the band will be able to play
drums for From the Depths on this tour, so my bandmates will still be
able to make good on their obligations. While they are gone, I will be
working on a new plan to try to meet some of the needs/wants/goals i
was hoping to achieve while on tour. I know that some of you will be
disappointed by my decision not to go, and i know that some of you were
disappointed by my previous plans. It has been really difficult
navigating this decisionmaking process, and especially when people who
i feel equally accountable to have desires that seem in conflict with
each other. My deepest thanks to everyone who has offered me their
wisdom through this situation, and my apologies to everyone who has
been affected by my actions.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;"></span><span class="shows" style="font-family: Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;">Sincerely,</span></p><p><span class="shows" style="font-family: Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;">Geoff</span></p><p><span class="shows" style="font-family: Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;"></span></p><span class="shows" style="font-family: Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;"><br /><br /><br /></span><big style="font-family: Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;">Letter Sent Out To Friends, March 2010</big><span class="shows" style="font-family: Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;"><br /><br /><br /></span>
<br /><p>Hi, this is Geoff. I'm writing because there's something going
on in my life that i think it's important for you and the other
folks i'm connected to in this community to be aware of. This might
be difficult information to hear, so keep that in mind if you choose
to continue reading. Feel free to share this message with anyone you
think is appropriate.
</p><p>I want to let you know that I've had genital herpes for a
couple years, and during this time there have been several people
whom i put at risk by not telling about my status. Obviously, this
was a violation of their consent, and this letter is part of me
acknowledging that. While i cannot change what i've done, i am doing
my best to be responsive to the wishes of those whom i've hurt and to
make sure this does not happen again.
</p>
<p>As part of taking responsibility for my actions, and to get rid
of the silence that has perpetuated them, i am trying to let everyone
i care about know that this happened, and communicate to you that i
am open to talking about it. I also recognize that when i betray
peoples' trust in our community, my actions undermine trust for all
of us. So, this letter is also an apology on my part for not doing
what was right from the beginning.
</p><p>Failure to overcome my own discomfort with having herpes led to
other people being forced to deal with my problems. To make sure that
doesn't happen again, I am working with a group of people to analyze
what led me to do this, and develop a long-term plan to change those
thoughts and behaviors. Let me share with you what that looks like
right now:
</p><p>* I am seeing a professional therapist to talk about the shame
and fear i feel about having herpes, and to figure out a healthier
relationship to my sexuality.
</p><p>* For the next year, i will limit my public participation to
occur only in the company of people who are aware of my past and this
process, and who are willing to hold me accountable to this plan. I
will communicate about my history to new people when we are working
together, traveling together, staying in the same space, etc.
</p><p>* I also plan to have no new sexual partners until myself, and
my support group, are confident that i can communicate with partners
openly about herpes, and about sex in general. I imagine this will
be no less than one year from now, and possibly longer. </p>
<p>* I am working with my bandmates in From the Depths to develop
our own internal process for responding to this as a band. That will
include informing promoters, bands, and people who host us about my
situation, as well as my bandmates holding me accountable to the
above commitments while we are together, and as we make plans for the
future.
</p><p>These are the most concrete things i have to offer at the
moment. If you have any other suggestions, and would like to share
them with me, i am open to hearing them. If you are interested in
talking to someone who is involved in this process, here are some
folks you could talk to:
</p><p>Monica (North Carolina/From the Depths)
<redefiningconsent@yahoo.com>
</p><p>Deanna (Pittsburgh) <squareroot@cheerful.com>
</p><p>Cary (Pittsburgh) <aboynamedstew@yahoo.com>
</p><p>While i am deeply disappointed in my own actions, i also
believe i'm not the only one who finds it difficult to communicate
about sex and STI status and i imagine that most of us would benefit
by improving our communication in this area. To this end, i am
including some links to resources about genital herpes, STIs in
general, and communication between people about sex, consent, and
STIs. More importantly, i hope that you can use this moment as a
chance to create more open and honest communication around these
issues in your own life and the lives of the people you care about.
</p><p>Sincerely,
</p><p>Geoff
</p><p>geoff@okcancel.org
</p><p><br />links:
</p>
<p>www.bayareafriends.org -- the best info about herpes i can
find, including testing, reducing risk, etc.
</p><p>www.phillyspissed.net -- group with experience supporting
survivors of sexual assault, lots of good resources to download.
</p><p>phillystandsup.wordpress.com -- group with experience
facilitating perpetrator accountability and guidelines for what that
looks like.
</p><p>"learning good consent" zine -- can be downloaded at
zinelibrary.info</p>
<p><br /><br />
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